GUEST POST BY CATHERINE (GIUDICI) LOWE
I’m pregnant. Pretty freaking pregnant. But the only reason I know this is because I have to keep reminding myself. Oh, and because I keep bumping into things with my giant pregnant belly.
Women, I find, are usually one of the following: Obsessed with babies, so they cherish every little detail of pregnancy OR they hate being pregnant because of nausea and not being able to drink alcohol for these 9 months. I’m neither. (Note: I said “usually” in that first statement, people.) I am in the minority that 1) hasn’t realized she’s pregnant, 2) hasn’t experienced any major symptoms of pregnancy and 3) is not obsessed with babies or being a mom. Gosh, I sound like the Miranda Hobbes of the pregnancy world. I promise I’m not a Debbie Downer or a woman who is ungrateful for this amazing blessing that is a child. I feel so blessed that God chose me worthy to carry a human in my body. I just think I’m still in shock—and obviously denial—from it all.
I was vegan for five years, so the diet restrictions don’t really bother me. I haven’t always been slim, so the fact that my clothing hardly fits doesn’t really bother me. I’ve never been a big drinker, so giving up alcohol completely doesn’t really bother me. What bothers me—or rather, concerns me—is that forever, and ever, someone will look to me to be responsible for their everything.
Mom means love. Mom means food. Mom means stability. Mom means teacher. Mom means safety. Answers. Comfort. Home.
That’s a lot of pressure for someone who’s barely learned to care for herself these past 30 years. It’s really hard to explain knowing that so many suffer from infertility and yearn for a baby to care for and I’m just sitting here freaking out because I’ll be someone’s caretaker for at least 18 years. An infant, a toddler, a kid, a teenager, an adult will look to me for so much.
The title Mom doesn’t go away. Once you’re a mom, you can’t un-be a mom. (God forbid, He doesn’t take that away.) When people say, “You’re already a mom,” I don’t really agree. Mom is so much more than being a vessel to carry a human. I mean, I know I’m keeping it safe right now, but I haven’t taught him/her anything, my body and God are doing the work. I can’t take responsibility. Mom is about guiding a child to become a contributing member of society. She is someone who will kiss booboos and patch them up. She is the person you say hi to on TV after all she’s done for you. She knows everything—where your glasses are, when your dentist appointment is, how you got that scar. So far, all I’ve done is feed him/her whatever I want to eat and hold his/her home (my belly) when I’m singing worship at church.
You’re probably asking, “But Catherine, I’ve heard through a ton of interviews that you want five children and you can’t even comprehend having one?” Well, yeah, can’t you remember when someone asked you what you wanted to do after you graduated school and you would say something big and bold like “CEO of my own company” but when you actually had to make big and bold steps to get there, you got overwhelmed? Or when you said you wanted to go skydiving and when it’s your turn to scoot on over to that open space and JUMP OUT OF A PLANE, you got scared? It’s kinda like that. But when you’re there, when you’re finally running your company or you’re flying through the air, you are sublimely grateful.
It’s all perspective, I know, and in writing this and sharing my fears, I honestly see how much of a blessing this experience is and that I should be honored that this will be my newest and biggest responsibility. I know it takes a village to raise a child and I am blessed that I won’t be the only one in this baby’s life. Because if I were truly the only one, that kid would be messed up. Fun, really cool, and extremely cute, but no doubt pretty messed up ☺