I struggled with the title of this post. I could have also titled this “When the world is spinning so fast, all you can do is hold on for dear life for fear of losing control”, but that seemed a bit too long. Last year, I had to take a much needed hiatus from the spinning plates in my life and one of them was, sadly, this blog.
I am such a list making, organized freak that I always put lofty expectations on myself. I do it as a wife and mom. I did with my blog. Such as, “I’ll post every day!” “I’ll start a linky party!” “I need to increase my social media presence.”
I’m learning to walk into a space of Grace for myself
and it’s been a hard lesson for me to learn this past year.
Last year, I shared my New Year’s Resolutions for Busy Moms, hoping to learn how to accept your situations, not to be hard on yourself, and put yourself on the list. Somewhere mid year, I forgot this resolution, and things spiraled out of control.
I took a risk and opened up about my Panic Attacks with you all. That was a scary and vulnerable post I created while in the trenches. My wish in sharing that was that I would find solace from the attacks. My anxiety only became worse over the year and I found myself at my breaking point in October.
UGH! It hurts my heart to see this photo. I had just gotten home from the ER and was about to step into the shower and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I know it’s a strange thought to take a selfie at such a low point in your life covered in EKG electrodes, but I wanted to always remember this moment of despair. Here’s what happened:
We had a lovely evening out as a family. Grabbed some Five Guys and was going to hit Sam’s Club for some grocery shopping. I started feeling bad about 15 minutes in. I took my anxiety pill and it did nothing. I took an antacid thinking it was from the fried food I rarely ate. NOTHING. I started to get dizzy and had shooting pains in my jaw and arms. I knew something wasn’t right, but was pretty sure it was just a bad attack. I told Trent to take me to the Urgent Care, since I thought it wasn’t serious.
URGENT CARE KICKED ME OUT, Y’ALL!
How do you think that helped my blood pressure? Yeah, none whatsoever. So they sent me to the ER. After a few hours, chest X-rays, and bloodwork, I found out that it was just a bad anxiety attack. My heart was fine, my liver was fine, etc.
In those few, dark hours, I sat alone pleading with the Almighty to take this from me. I made Trent stay out in the waiting room with our boys. I didn’t want my children to see any of this. It was scary to be in that space, having those fears, without anyone by your side to comfort you except through text. It got to the point where they were worrying so, that I had them come back as they were preparing me for release.
The look on my son’s face said it all.
Fear, terror, worry and concern. It broke my heart. My son sat behind me on the long ride home and would reach up and touch my shoulder again and again. When we got home and I saw that person looking back at me in the mirror, with such sadness in her eyes, I knew I had to go to the next level and draw some serious lines in the sand in my life.
First, I fired my GP for dosing my anxiety meds incorrectly. Then, I started seeing a counselor to help me navigate these terrors that struck me. I had already been pursuing weight loss, so I continued with that plan. I also paused any home remodeling. I was barely executing my regular to dos, let alone adding any DIY to the picture.
You know you are at a low place,
when what usually animates you, stresses you.
I also did one thing that ultimately changed my outlook and more importantly, my heart. I shared my burden with others. This is big for me. I’m one who will hide behind my smile and not let others in. By opening this door, and having them pray for and over me, my heart softened and changed. I allowed myself to become vulnerable. While I know I’m not the one in control of my life, this active step of release put me into His hands. I went from feeling like I was free-falling backwards to feeling like I was soaring, still without solid ground to stand on, but with grace and faith and trust that I am in His care.
2015 was full of financial burdens, EKGs, Stress Tests, Chest X-rays, and it came to a head when stomach issues began. Turns out, my gallbladder was messed up and I needed to have it removed in December, which was most likely the cause of October’s ER visit.
I love this meme from The Awkward Yeti.
I’m taking on 2016 with a new outlook. I’m stepping into this “Grace Space” boldly, knowing that I’ll screw it up and try to take control again. I’d love to promise more posts, and while you will see more of me, I’m accepting the Grace for Today, each day.
Life is what we make of it, but sometimes,
it’s also how you roll with it.