5 Rules for every disagreement in your marriage

Have you ever had an argument with your spouse and then both of you walked away feeling angry, misunderstood and confused? Even the healthiest marriages face disagreements, but if we’re not careful, those differences of opinion can escalate into something destructive.

A secret of healthy and happy couples seems to be found in working through disagreements in a productive way. I’m convinced that if you will follow a few simple guidelines, the tone of your arguments and consequently the tone of your entire marriage can be transformed in a healthy way.

Each couple is different, but I believe these basic principles will hold true in the vast majority of marriages. Start applying these right away and your relationship will experience some instant improvements.

1. Realize that you’ll both win or you’ll both lose.

As husband and wife, you’re partners in everything, so nobody “wins” an argument. Realize that you’ll either win together or lose together, so work together to find a solution. For more on this, check out my 3-minute video on How to “Win” an argument with your spouse

2. Focus on the present situation, not on past mistakes.

When we’re flustered in the heat of a disagreement, it’s a natural instinct to want to start throwing mud and unloading ammunition from our spouse’s past mistakes to help us make our point, but fight the urge to do it. If you’re always bringing up mistakes from the past, you’ll never be able to work together to build a good future.

3. Listen more and talk less.

This one is tough, because it requires swallowing your pride. Focus on trying to understand your spouse’s perspective instead of trying to force your own point. There’s a beautiful verse in the Bible that sums up this principle by saying…”You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.” (James 1:19) That’s easier said than done, but it’s worth the effort!

4. Resolve it quickly.

Don’t “sleep on it.” Stay up all night if you have to, but don’t go to bed until there’s some kind of resolution. If you ignore the issues, they’ll keep growing like a cancerous tumor. Deal with every disagreement lovingly but also quickly.

5. Remember that your love for each other is always more important than your differences.

Don’t forget who you’re talking too! This is your best friend, your partner and the love of your life. Disagreements aren’t an excuse to give up on each other, but just another opportunity for you to work together and grow stronger in your love and respect for each other!

For more tips and tools on building a stronger marriage, please check out our new book: “Marriage Minute: Quick & Simple Ways to Build a Divorce-Proof Relationship” and also visit our new website MarriageGateway.com.