Dave Willis
Jesse had finally hit rock bottom. He found himself sitting at a computer screen late one evening while his wife was out. He was soliciting anonymous sex on the internet. His porn habit had evolved into a full-blown addiction and ultimately had created a devastating pattern of depravity and self-destructive behavior. His life was out of control, and his marriage was in shambles. He was completely miserable, but he felt powerless to change the situation. As he sat in that dark room planning dark deeds, he caught a glimpse of his reflection from the computer screen and realized that he no longer recognized the man he had become.
This story was originally published in my book The Seven Laws of Love: Essential Principles for Building Stronger Relationships.
That night some light broke through the darkness, and Jesse finally realized that he needed to take immediate action to set things right. He called out to God for help, and he made a commitment to do everything in his power to break free from sexual sin and to rebuild his wife’s trust. He set out on a long journey to reclaim his honor and his family.
Several years have passed, and I’m happy to say that Jesse and Tricia are happier than they have ever been in their marriage. Jesse has an amazing wife, two beautiful sons, a successful career in the United States military, and many great adventures ahead. Today, as I’m writing these words, Jesse and his family are thriving personally, emotionally, professionally and spiritually.
You might be reading all this and wondering how it’s possible for a marriage to be restored after that kind of behavior. It happened because of a tremendous amount of grace from God and from Jesse’s wife, Tricia. Grace alone was only part of the equation. This marriage was saved, because Jesse was willing to put some uncompromising boundaries in place. Those boundaries created a protected climate where trust could be rebuilt and healing could begin.
If you find yourself in a season of struggles or broken trust in your marriage, implement these four strategies and you’ll be creating an atmosphere where healing will be possible:
1. Live with total transparency.
If your marriage seems like it’s stuck in a rut, one reason may be secrets that need to come out into the open. The level of TRANSPARENCY in your marriage will determine the level of TRUST in your marriage! Jesse made the “secret free guarantee” to his wife, and his newfound boundaries also included accountability software and an internet filter on his computer that tracked and documented every website that he visited and giving his wife complete access to that information. He also gave his wife full access to his phone, texts, voicemails, emails, and all of his communication devices. He then cut off all contact with certain “friends” and committed to never return to places that could put him in tempting or compromising situations. Those boundaries created a framework where his marriage could be rebuilt and trust could be restored.
2. Surround yourself with the right people.
Jesse recognized that he had become powerless to fight the battles by will power alone, so he surrounded himself with people who could encourage him and keep him accountable. He started a support group for men who were wrestling with similar struggles, and that group provided an outlet for continued growth and healing. Together, those men talked, prayed, laughed, cried, studied the Bible, and found practical solutions to the issues that haunted them. He surrounded himself with people who strengthened his character and he strategically removed himself from people who tempted him to compromise his character.
3. Recognize the difference between FORGIVENESS and TRUST.
Forgiveness should be given instantly, because holding a grudge is like drinking poison and then hoping the other person dies; it only hurts you! Grace can’t be earned; only given. TRUST, however, is different. It can’t be given; only earned. You don’t have to trust someone in order to forgive them, BUT you do have to forgive them in order to make trust possible again. Trust is EARNED through CONSISTENCY of words and actions over a period of time. Let truth and forgiveness flow freely in your marriage, and you’ll be able to get through any challenge that comes your way!
4. Fight FOR each other and not against each other!
Remove your exit strategies and stop playing the blame game. Renew your commitment to each other and to your marriage, and then realize that your disagreements won’t have a “winner” and a “loser.” You’re on the same team, so you’ll either win together or lose together. Work together with mutual respect, selflessness, teamwork, forgiveness and encouragement to build each other up and fight for your marriage.
For more tools to help you build a stronger marriage, join thousands of other couples on our new 30-Day Marriage Challenge (by clicking here).
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