Why not take the test drive? The case against cohabitation

By Shaunti Feldhahn on February 15, 2016

I’m a pastor who works with young couples.  As you know, most people live together before they get married and I can’t figure out how to talk to them about it.  I know from scripture that it’s a bad idea, but couples always ask “But why?”  To them, it just seems logical to try out a live-in relationship before committing to it for life.  The classic argument is, “If you wouldn’t buy a car without test-driving it, why on earth would you not test-drive a marriage – which is far more important?”  I know from experience with counseling many couples that it is a bad idea, but I need more than just my experience.  I’m a bit of a policy wonk, but I simply don’t have time to sift through the information out there to figure out what’s real and helpful. Is there any solid research on this?

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Believing the Best Isn’t Letting Him Off the Hook

By Shaunti Feldhahn on November 2, 2015

Dear Shaunti, In one of your books, you say it’s important to believe the best of your spouse’s intentions.  But all that does is give your spouse license to hurt you again and again without consequences.  Who cares what their…

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Guys wonder: do compliments really matter? Three things your wife is secretly thinking:

By Shaunti Feldhahn on October 29, 2015

“Am I beautiful?”  You may think your wife is beautiful, adorable, sexy, and you love to look at her.  And yet…. she probably sees all her flaws instead.  She has deep doubts about whether she is beautiful at all.  Little girls…

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Don’t Let “Facebook Fantasies” Ruin Your View Of Your Spouse

By Shaunti Feldhahn on June 1, 2015

Dear Shaunti,

My husband and I have started arguing a lot about how much I look at Facebook, even though I only check it a couple of times a day. I think what my husband is really upset about is that I see what my friends’ husbands do for them — stuff he never does for me! They get the flowers, spa treatments, romantic dinners, and surprise getaways. Now, we are on a tight budget, and I know that, so he couldn’t shower me with luxurious treats even if he wanted to. The problem is: he doesn’t seem to want to! Should I have to give up Facebook just because I’m now getting a reality check on how humdrum our marriage is? Why shouldn’t I expect more from my husband?

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Should I Pray For God to Make Me More … Um … Amorous?

By Shaunti Feldhahn on May 11, 2015

Dear Shaunti,

Since sex is so important to my husband, and since you say it’s really about a man feeling desired by his wife, what can I do to get engaged and interested instead of just “accommodating” him? I know that just “going along with it” would be pretty depressing for him. But to be honest, I don’t feel that same type of desire for him, that he apparently feels for me. Don’t get me wrong; I enjoy it when we’re together. I just don’t have this overwhelming need to “go at it” the same way he does. Should I just pray for God to give me that desire? Or what?

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2 is better than 1: Facing Conflict Together

By Shaunti Feldhahn on April 20, 2015

Dear Shaunti, I work a lot of hours, and when I’m at home, I don’t want conflict.   Problem is, we’ve had a lot of conflict recently – we’re both stressed by some extra medical bills and headaches with our kids…

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Don’t freak out when your man handles an argument….like a man

By Shaunti Feldhahn on March 30, 2015

Dear Shaunti:

My husband and I haven’t been married very long, and I am scared about something. We have never fought much, but just had our first horrible argument. I was expecting him to “make up” with a hug or something, but he wouldn’t. Instead, he mumbled something about needing to run errands, grabbed his keys, and took off!

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Make-Up Sex: Does it Exist Beyond the Locker Room?

By Shaunti Feldhahn on March 16, 2015

Dear Shaunti, The other day, I got into a big fight with my wife. In an attempt to make things right, I tried to get intimate–and she got furious! We’ve only been married a few years, and honestly we don’t…

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Re-Walking Down the Aisle: Overcoming Second-Marriage Skepticism

By Shaunti Feldhahn on October 6, 2014

Dear Shaunti, I’ve been dating a wonderful man for two years and he wants to get married, but I’ve been a single mom for almost eight years – and I just can’t get past the fact that 60 percent (or…

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First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage, Then comes…Love: Choosing Sustained Marital Happiness

By Shaunti Feldhahn on September 15, 2014

Dear Shaunti: My wife and I have been married for five years, and I’ve had back surgery more pleasant than my marriage is right now. We know most marriages aren’t great, but thought we would be the exception to the…

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