Motive Matters: Believing the Best of Your Spouse

Dear Shaunti,

In one of your books, you say it’s important to believe the best of your spouse’s intentions. But all that does is give your spouse license to hurt you again and again without consequences. Who cares what their intentions are, if the result is pain?  My husband says things that are harsh to me and the kids, and then tells me “I never wanted to hurt your feelings.” Well, who cares that you didn’t want to! You did. And to me, it seems like if you didn’t want to, you wouldn’t!  So why should I let him off the hook, when doing so will free him up to just hurt me again?

 — Hurt and Tired of It