I often suggest the 30-Day Kindness Challenge to women in your situation. First, for the next 30 days don’t say anything negative about your husband… either to him or about him to someone else. Not your mom, not your best girlfriend, no one.
Let me repeat that, so you really ‘get it’: Say nothing negative about him.
At all.
And second, every day for the next 30 days, find one thing positive that he has done that you can praise or thank him for, and tell him, and tell at least one other person.
Third, do one small act of kindness or generosity for him daily.
The beauty of our psychological wiring is that our feelings follow our words and actions, and so the more you focus on what you are dissatisfied with, the more dissatisfied you will be. But the more you focus on the positive, the more you will see and be struck by the truly wonderful things about your husband. The more you will, in fact, respect him!
This may not be easy for you — there’s a reason I call this a “challenge.” But in the end this sort of process is one of the only ways to change what you think and do.
I hope in the end, that after the 30 days you will find it so much easier to return to a true partnership where there is a give and take. Where you can see and affirm the positive, and recognize that some of the negative is simply a difference of opinion – and that some criticism can be communicated with grace or simply not mentioned at all. Remember that thirty days of ‘reform’ is not going to eradicate 14 years of criticism, so have realistic expectations. Even after the 30 days are over, you might have to be ultra-careful how you communicate criticism for the foreseeable future.
But hopefully, some major changes won’t take too long. Because as you continue to focus mostly on the positive, and thus make sure your husband knows that he is your hero – I’ll bet you’ll quickly be promoted from second fiddle to first string.
Sign up for the Challenge here, and pray for it to be a blessing in your marriage.
Want to know how to be kind, when you’re really not feeling it? My research uncovered three daily actions that will transform your relationships – and you. Check out The Kindness Challenge, now available!
Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn’s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).
Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, demonstrates that kindness is the answer to almost every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
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