Wives, See His Anger as a Legitimate Signal of Pain – and Address it with Respect

Every relationship – even the happiest ones! — will have moments of conflict. And how we deal with that conflict can make the relationship stronger…. or really hurt it.

Ladies, one of the clearest examples of this is what happens when you’re in a time of “intense marital fellowship” (as a friend of mine puts it), and your man gets really angry. Maybe he confronted you after his office party about how you teased him in front of his colleagues, and says he can’t believe you betrayed him like that.

Now, you are not only upset, you are taken aback by the strength of his anger. Things are poised to go from bad to worse, fast. What do you do?

First: don’t sit back and cross your arms and say that your man just needs some Anger Management 101. Remember: the Bible says “in your anger, don’t sin.” It does not say that anger is a sin. In other words: Not all anger is abusive. Not all anger is inappropriate. There certainly is such a thing as inappropriate anger, and any man who verbally or physically abuses his wife needs intervention, fast. But this is not the type of anger I am referring to.

What I am referring to is truly legitimate anger –an outward signal of very real internal pain.

So this leads to the second thing to do: realize that your husband’s anger is a signal that he has been truly hurt by something you have said or done. Maybe you didn’t realize how much pain your teasing would cause him, but regardless, it clearly did. And your man is not alone.

In my research with thousands of men and women, I’ve learned that anger for men is like crying for women. When we are hurt, we women often find tears leaking down our cheeks – and we want to be able to cry without being accused of being manipulative or disregarded as an emotional basket case. Just as we express those emotions in our way, men often express emotions in their way.

What are those underlying emotions – what is it that hurts so badly? Well, usually, anger arises from feeling disrespected or being seen as inadequate– which is a man’s most excruciating feeling. In my surveys, more than 80% of men agreed that this was their source of anger during disagreements with their wives.

Once we learn to see anger as a signal of pain, we can dramatically change our response to it, and avoid being counterproductive. You see, when things get heated, and our own female pain runs high (we are usually feeling unloved) our faces and voices can signal even more disrespect. Maybe your voice gets higher and more staccato, or your facial expression changes as you reply, “Betray you? I came to that stupid party tonight instead of my sister’s dinner, just to support you!” Maybe your words became guided missiles aimed at a vulnerable target: your husband’s surprisingly soft heart.

One lady told me she used to have terrible arguments in which her husband would become so angry, he would walk away. But of course, the wife would then feel even more insecure about his love, and found herself crying, and screaming accusations at him; her disrespectful words became fuel for the conflict. She found out later that he was upset because he was hearing wave after wave of accusations that he was a terrible husband – which is not what she was trying to say.

Her solution is a good one for all of us: She learned to take deep breaths, bring her voice down, pause if needed, and think about how to say things so as to avoid words that he would take as an accusation or a charge of inadequacy. She thought about what she could say that would be as respectful as possible. As a result, her husband no longer felt attacked and he stopped getting angry, even during conflict. Today, even when one or both are upset, they are now able to discuss things together.

So the next time anger arises and emotions are high, think about how to do the same. Maybe take a break from the discussion with the intent to finish business once you can respond well, even if he doesn’t. Start back with a respectful tone and words. If appropriate, give him a word of apology (“Honey, I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking about how that might embarrass you.”) And it will begin to heal the wounds if you find a way to affirm your respect and appreciation for him. (“You work so hard to provide for our family, thank you.” “It was cool to hear your boss’s story about the great job you did on that sales presentation.”)

A wise woman will learn to practice translating her man’s anger as a simple sign of feeling disrespected. Let’s give our man room to be human; specifically, room to be male.

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Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.