Why the “Married Sex” Video Makes Me Furious

Recently, someone asked what I think about the “Married Sex During the Week” video posted on Facebook and chortled about on social media.  Have you seen it?  Some women think it’s hysterical.

I haven’t found a single man who does.

And this vast difference points just how clueless we women can be about something that has a huge emotional impact on our husbands.

In the video, we watch as a man’s hand reaches out and rubs his wife’s shoulder as they lie in bed each night.  And each night (“Monday”… “Tuesday” …) she turns and reacts with various degrees of annoyance.  “Seriously?”  she says, raising her eyebrows.  “Seriously?”   “I’m tired… had a long day… on my period…”  The list of reasons goes on.  One night after her usual rejection, she peers back over her shoulder and in a tone dripping with derision asks, “Are you pouting?!”

Finally, one night she rolls her eyes, and says fine, you have five minutes, get it over with.

Ha, ha.

Why is watching this video so painful for anyone with the least bit of empathy, or understanding of how men think?

Because sex for a man is not primarily a physical need, but a very deep emotional one.  

In our surveys of thousands of men for For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men and other books, we found that our men look big and fearless and confident, but have much self-doubt and vulnerability inside. They want to be strong, loving and sensitive for their wives and children, but secretly doubt that they know what they are doing. They long to protect and provide for their families, but secretly worry that they are inadequate. And by far the most powerful affirmation that a wife can give to her husband, the affirmation that goes to the core of who he is and says “you are the man I need,” is showing that she desires him.

When he reaches for her, and she melts into his arms, it is, as one man put it, “A salve that goes very, very deep into the heart of a man.”

Now picture that man watching that video — or watching that in real life.  Instead of enthusiasm (or at least willingness) he sees… derision. Seriously? Are you pouting? You big baby.

Picture his secretly soft heart being shredded by the person who is supposed to care for him the most.

Yeah, I get that it is only a joke. Only a satire. I can hear you now, telling me, “No one is really like that, lighten up.”

Actually, you’re wrong. All too many people are like that. I hear from them every week in my interviews; every time I conduct a survey; every time I speak at a marriage event, or a women’s conference. I talk to those women.  And their husbands.

And I’ve come to believe that if we women could just grasp the emotional importance for men of feeling desired – which is a bit like the emotional importance for a woman of her husband really wanting to listen and have close, intimate conversation with her – we would never look at sex the same way again.

Now, we may in fact be tired. We may not be able to respond that night. I’m not saying we should necessarily put aside our needs to meet his. That’s not the point. We have hard days and may find ourselves emotionally vulnerable too. We need our men to understand us, as well.

But if we care about this man to whom we are wed, what matters to him so deeply should matter to us.

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NOTE: If you want to see the YouTube video, you can search for it. However, honestly… I’d suggest that you do not watch it. I initially considered posting it for context, but on further reflection, I felt like it was better to not share it at all, because the side bar of other similar/suggested videos has some very objectionable, sexual content.

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Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.