How to LET GO of Past Baggage and ENJOY your Marriage Today

What we bring into our marriages–our past relationships, mistakes, and expectations–greatly affects how we treat our spouse and what we think marriage is supposed to look like.  My good friend, Katie Humphress, is a wife, mother, author, and non-profit director who has an amazing testimony about this struggle.  I hope her story encourages you as it did me.

Has baggage from your past ever affected your marriage?

It has for me.
After a series of bad relationships in college, my natural tendency to compare myself to others went from bad to worse. If someone close to me observed a litany of reasons of why I wasn’t good enough, it must be true—right?
Wrong, but I spent the next several years seeking validation in relationships anyway. Even if I got approval from someone else, the joy didn’t last long.

I felt empty. Very, very empty.
But something changed. After yet another ugly breakup, I was done. I cried out to God, “I don’t care if I’m alone forever, no relationship is better than a bad one! God, I’m yours” and boy-oh-boy did He hear my cry. At 23 I was restless and reckless, but by 24 I was excited and hopeful.
What happened?
God sent a young campus minister to teach me about my Identity in Christ. His past was similar to my own, and he listened to my story and offered explanations to my many questions. He said how we view God is often how we view ourselves. If I see God as a vindictive judge ready to strike at any time, I might not have a lot of grace with myself.
He even gave me a bookmark with “Identity in Christ” in bold type and split in half with “Lies” on one side and “Truths” on the other. When I was tempted to believe a lie about myself, he suggested I replace the lie with a Bible verse. So what did I do?
I married the campus minister.
Then, I continued to pursue my Identity in Christ. It wasn’t easy, and my insecurities definitely impacted our marriage early on. If he wanted to go to a guys’ night at his friend’s house, I felt unwanted and would get jealous. My old habit of seeking validation from a relationship was hard to break.
Fortunately, Anthony admitted he believed lies of his own too. He believed he needed to be a full-time minister to make up for his past, and he worked really long hours.
Our early marriage could have been disastrous, but it wasn’t. Together, we worked with a Christian counselor who helped us shed the baggage from our pasts for good.
How to Shed Baggage from the Past:
Replace Lies…
· I’m unwanted.
· I’m defined by my past.
· I’m trapped.
…with the Truth.
Through faith in Jesus Christ, I am:
1. A Child of God.

See how very much our Father loves us, for he calls us his children, and that is what we are!  1 John 3:1a

2. A New Creation.

This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!

2 Corinthians 5:17

3.  Free.

2 Corinthians 8:36

Eleven years and two kids later, Anthony and I are best friends. I wrote a book on Identity in Christ and am the director of a non-profit that provides resources for women to grow spiritually. As for Anthony, “minister” is no longer his job title, but he uses his talents to operate a small business. He does his best to treat clients and employees as a “minister” would.
When we both see ourselves accurately, we get along better, communicate more effectively, and generally have more fun. But when we’re frazzled and believing lies, well, we don’t so much “communicate” as fight. If the fight persists, we’ll still talk to a Christian counselor about it. Sometimes an objective (third party, familiar with Identity in Christ) opinion helps.
Take a moment and think of any lies driving your decisions. Ask Jesus to show you the truth about His character and how He feels about you. Replace lies about how you, or others, perceive yourself with the truth of how God sees you.
Scrawl “Identity in Christ” on a piece of paper and use it as bookmark if you have to. Write down lies you’re tempted to believe, and seek out verses to counter each lie. Repeat the verses to yourself until the truth sinks into your heart. And if you can’t figure out the lies, there’s no harm in asking for help from a trustworthy Christian counselor.

Guest Blogger Bio:
Katie Humphress lives in Kentucky with Anthony and their two kids. She is the author of “Fake IDs” and director of Lane of Roses, a non-profit encouraging women to see themselves as God sees them: valuable & loved. Connect with her on Facebook, learn more about Lane of Roses, and purchase her book, “Fake IDs”, by clicking here!

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