5 Things to Do When You’re Bored with Your Marriage

Marriage. Is. Hard.

The longer you’re married, the more challenging it becomes.   Between work, kids, your activities, the kids’ extracurriculars, responsibilities, caring for elderly parents, church activities, and the list goes on and on, it’s easy  to lose sight of each other.  When it comes to romance, well, sometimes you’re just not feeling it.

Dave and I have certainly had our ups and downs in our almost 14 years of marriage, but I can honestly say that I love him more today than the day I married him (I know, I know, gag, right?)).  But really, I love him more because I know him more, and we have worked through  our challenges together .

Sometimes, the more we know about our spouse, the more we dislike, especially during a less than romantic, tough season. That “man smell” your hubby gets after a long run is suddenly just really stinky and the farthest thing from sexy, or his high-pitched, kacklling laugh with intermittent snorts, that you once found so endearing, hits your ears like nails on a chalkboard.   We might even notice that our husbands seem more irriated with us and less willing to give us his attention or affection.   Before we know it, we can find ourselves in a exhausting daily grind with our spouses, and many times we just want to escape instead of engage with the one we love.  We spend less and less time together, we stop talking except for “business purposes”, and sex, well, it becomes just another chore on the list.   We become bored with our spouse.  It’s during these times, more than any otherss, that we need to turn things around before one of us does or says something that we will forever regret.

Whenever Dave and I are facing an exceptionally crazy or life-sucking season, which has pretty much been these last couple of years for us, I try to remember the following 7 things.  It is by no means an exhaustive list, but it has helped us during tougher seasons in our marriage.

1.  Remember what made you want to say “I do”.

When we were engaged, Dave sent me the sweetest love letter through our college mail,  The note included a “Top 10” list of things that he loved about me.  I know it sounds completely cheesy, but I still have that letter and look at it from time to time.  I hope he still sees me as all of those things and more, even after all this time.   I think each of us needs to remember why we fell in love with our spouse in the first place.  It’s harder to stay angry or build up resentment towards our spouse when we replace our negative thoughts with more favorable ones, like what we love about each other.

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2. Be your spouses #1 encourager.

Over the years, Dave and I have talked with many couples who are struggling in their marriages simply because of hurtful communication or a lack thereof.  It is amazing how Dave’s affirming words can lift my spirits and help me to know that we are in a good place.  I can see a huge improvement in Dave’s demeanor when I greet him with a smile and an encouraging word, even when he has had a rough day.  We have the power to make each other feel adored and respected simply by our choice of words, and I am thankful that Dave chooses to encourage me time and time again (Romans 15:5).

3.  Show your spouse daily that you are committed to your marriage.

Can a healthy marriage exist without committment?  Absolutely not.  In fact, I believe true love, the kind of love that God wants us to have for our spouse, can only exist when there is complete committment to each other.   This is why we publically state our vows on our wedding day.  We can show each other, on a daily basis, that we are 100% committed by  listening to each other, spending time together, and being completely honest with one another.  I love how Dave is always willing to listen to me, sometimes for hours.  He makes our weekly date nights a priority, and I know this because I have seen him arrange his work schedule or time with friends to make our date night a reality.  It’s also fun to be creative with what we do on our dates.  Keep it fresh and exciting!  We also have the same passwords on devices.  As a married couple, we don’t want to have any secrets between each other so we can maintain trust and intimacy in our marriage (Hebrews 13:5).

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4.  Be intimate on ALL levels.

I promise I am not using some kind of comfortable code-language here; I am most definitely talking about sex, but it is only a part of intimacy.  Sex is an awesome perk of marriage,  yet so many married couples we talk to either have an unfulfilling sex life or no sex life at all.   I was recently talking to some friends about this very subject at a womens retreat.  These women said they were totally in love with and attracted to their husbands, but they rarely felt the desire to have sex.  The more we talked, the more it seemed that exhaustion was the problem.  These women felt overwhelmed, like many of us do, and sex had become just another thing on the to-do list.  You see, sex can just be a physcial act, but God designed it to be so much more than that.  He gave us this incredible gift to share with our spouse as a beautiful celebration of our love and committment to one another.  It is a spirtual, emotional, mental, and physical communion of souls.  So, there’s a lot that goes into the actual act.   As women, it is often hard to make room in our minds to even think about enjoying sex with our husbands due to our many responsibilites and the way God wired our minds, but it is crucial that we do it.  We are robbing ourselves and spouses of the most intimate act of marriage when we turn them down.  God makes it clear in the Word that we need to fulfill each other’s needs for physical intimacy (1 Cor. 7:3-5).  Don’t edge God out of your sex life.   We not only serve each other by fulfilling these needs, but we protect each other from some of the temptations that can come our way outside of our homes.  So, go on.  Put the kiddos to bed, leave the laundry alone, put on some Barry White, and get freaky.  You’ll be glad you did.

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5.  Pray together every day.

This may be something  you already do, or it might make you feel uncomfortable.  Either way, I highly encourage you to pray together every day.  Many of us are so quick to pray for our children and their future, but we often forget to pray for our spouse and the future of our marriages.  It doesn’t have to be lengthy or in flowery language; prayer is simply talking to God.  When you pray, thank him for your spouse, ask him to strengthen your marriage, confess your shortcomings, and be as specific as possible.  You will not only feel closer to your Creator, but you will be much closer to your spouse as well.  Who better to talk to about your marriage than the author and maker of marriage Himself?

Every marriage goes through trials, but when we lean on God and do everything within our power to keep our marriages strong, we can endure any trial that comes our way.  Take heart; your marriage doesn’t have to stay boring.  Each day is another chance to reignite that spark!